Tuesday, September 27, 2005

The Shannen Doherty Marathon


Yes, I'm fond of Shannen Doherty. No, I can't quite put a finger on why. Is it her uneven eyes? Her off-screen bad-girl antics? Her mediocre acting?

Nope. It's because she got to lose her virginity to Dylan McKay.
What?
Stop laughing!

Anyhow.

Gads, I'd forgotten that pre-molded bra-top look. And the plaid. Thanks a lot, grunge.

Oh, sorry. Hi.

Billy recorded not one, not two but three made-for-tv movies starring Brenda Walsh. We tried to watch them during one of our Bad Movie Nites but ... the liquor was flowing and the ADD was rampant.
That never happens.*
*note: yes it does.

Not long after, I stayed home sick one fine Tuesday. And yes, even after watching all three movies I felt well enough to return to work on Wednesday. Thanks for asking.

The Rendering (2002): a dreadful paint-by-numbers (heh) serial stalker thriller starring Shannen and no one else and made in Canada.
Shannen is Sarah, a bright (um) young (er) art student who loses track of time, so seized by artistic inspiration, that she leaves the library (huh?) quite late. But before she can get out, she's attacked by a man (Peter Outerbridge) with a knife who, of course, thinks that they're destined to be together.
When Shannen finds the sketch artist's
rendering of her attacker unsatisfactory, she draws her own and discovers her talent can be used for good, not just pedestrian paintings that grad students will overanalyze while they wait for the gallery owner to open another bottle of $2 Chuck.
She helps the cops solve her case, sees her attacker go to prison for 25-to-life ... and then freaks out and suddenly it's 10 years later, which we know not just because of the helpful interstitial card but because she wears make-up.
She gave up painting, but still gets the occasional late night call requesting her services as impromptu sketch artist. Her husband (John H. Brennan) doesn't appreciate said calls: each sketch recalls her own trauma, which dredges up her night terrors, which, you know, wakes him up. And makes her not ready to start a family yet. Or something.
Sensitive fellow.
Synopsizing this is as boring as watching it, so let me sum up: stalker gets out of prison early for good behavior. Women are attacked in a fashion similar to Shannen's. One of the victim's descriptions turns out to look just like Shannen's husband. She's immediately suspicious for no good reason. He is eventually jailed. Turns out this was all the stalker's master plan to win Shannen over.
And, as in most thrillers of this caliber, you get your false ending (two, actually) before Shannen bests the guy. Though Shannen brings a gun to the stalker's lair for the final showdown, she ends up slamming his head into a conveniently jutting nail.

Fast Forward Rating: You know what's going to happen. If you're as bad as me, you know the lines: 60%
Drinks: "Why don't you come up to the bedroom and have some wine, Sarah? It's your favorite. I took it from your house."

Satan's School For Girls (2000): this dreadful and overly CG'd remake is notable for the Six Degrees of
90210 Separation - Daniel Cosgrove played the late-season lawyer Kelly dates but throws over for Dylan in the last episode. Also, Kate Jackson comes back for seconds. At least she's playing a college administrator, not a college student. Some notes:

  • It's good to be friendly with a cop (see also The Rendering), especially when he can get you a fake ID giving your birth year as 1979 (suuure, Shannen)
  • Uh-oh, Sassy Black Girlfriend alert! Anyone else see her being an early victim (I don't make the rules, folks.)
  • A Clinton joke and a Fatboy Slim song
  • Why is a professor at a sorority-type mixer?
  • Okay, watching Kelly's boyfriend woo Brenda is half poetic justice, half tripping me out
  • Sometimes, even I am wrong. I should've remembered from The Craft that covens / Satanic cults are more PC these days, not to mention totally obvious (what? the goth chicks were red herrings and the cult is made up of the perky gals?)
  • The previously mentioned professor tries to exposition the origin mythos of "the Five"(the original coven, made up of doctors, senators, lawyers - you know, Republicans) but doesn't actually know anything. Not a very good history professor, are we? "No, just a professional pussy hound." Ah, thanks for clearing that up. Also, ew.
  • "[One of the Five] could turn into a bird. That must have come in handy for the Senator." What does that even mean?!
  • The creepy, condemned building, the Devil's Point (complete with not one, but two pentagrams), the rampant suicides ... why do people go to this school?
Fast Forward Rating: Ho hum. 70%
Drinks: Absinthe

Friends Til The End (1997): a godawful
Gypsy-cum-Josie Meets The Pussycats-cum-SWF ripoff starring Shannen and Jason London (not Jeremy, with whom Shannen starred in Mallrats.) Some notes:
  • Shannen cannot sing
  • This was filmed at Oxi (Occidental College), as was 90210 (the College Years)
Can you tell this movie is even duller than The Rendering and even more preposterous than Satan's School ...?

Fast Forward Rating: the stalker chick doesn't even ever properly freak out. Don't bother
Drinks: Watered-down beer in a Solo cup

Sorry, Shannen. You let me down. I liked you better as Brenda.
But to add to the shame, I promise I'll track down Blindfold: Acts Of Obsession, with her beau-du-jour Judd Nelson. I'm so cruel. To me.






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