Savage Beach and Bikini Summer 2

The girls of Savage Beach enjoy the jacuzzi after a hard day of taking their clothes off.


It was like a month ago or more that we sat down on a weeknight and checked out these winners.

Savage Beach is by Andy Sidaris, famous for packing his casts full to overflowing with ex-Playboy Playmates. His movies are nominally action/adventure movies about two secret agents, Donna (Dona "one N" Speir) and Taryn (Hope Marie Carlton), who run around trying to muck up the plans of some bad guy/druglord/kingpin/terrorist, etc. I don't remember that much about this movie except that they get naked a lot for no good reason. Like, they're in a storm and get soaked to the bone, and then they take off in a plane, and WHILE THEY'RE FLYING they decide to strip out of their wet clothes. Right!

We fast-forwarded through about fifty-percent of the thing-mostly the last half. There was a hot ex-Playgirl Man of the Year in it for like the first twenty minutes, and we get to see a nice shot of his butt as he gets out of a pool naked. He also walks around for about ten minutes in an unzipped jumpsuit, showing off his rippling 80s waxed torso. That was fun! But then he disappears almost completely from the movie until the very end. And at that point, he keeps his clothes on. I guess the target audience for these movies isn't women or gay men, but at least Andy throws us a bone (well, not the bone).

Also, for those who care about such things, the movie features former Playmate-turned-hardcore porn star, Teri Weigel, as a villainness. Her acting is about as bad as that of the rest of the cast, but her simulated sex abilities demonstrate that she made a good career decision going into the adult industry.

The second half of our double feature was Bikini Summer 2. We didn't bother with Bikini Summer 1 because it didn't feature Jeff "Kenicki" Conaway (who also wrote and directed the thing! Talk about an auteur!) .

It's the simple story of a pair of rich sisters from Beverly Hills who like to go to the beach in tiny bikinis. They meet a homeless couple (the rather homely wife is actually played by Jeff Conaway's sister Michele in a role that did wonders for her career, considering that she never worked again) and decide to take them in. In the first half hour of the movie we get a lot of gratiuitous female T&A (and a few buff guys in speedos and swim trunks) and we also get Jessica Hahn as the girls' stepmom, who spends the whole film in lingerie in bed watching a shopping channel that features (natch!) Jeff Conaway as the lascivious host who loves to fondle his scantily clad co-hostess! We also see that the girls' dad is a cad who likes sessions with a blonde dominatrix. This dominatrix also happens to be some sort of DA, and I could tell you more about the plot if we hadn't fast-forwarded through most of the rest of the movie, pausing occasionally for the "homeless makeover" scene, and the big party scene when the girls open up a nightclub and they let the homeless guy (who is also an over-the-hill singer-songwriter) perform some truly excruciating ballads. But if you've had a few drinks, this movie is also about fifty percent watchable in a bad-good kind of way. The other fifty percent is just bad.

Fast forwarding for both films: 50%
Drinks: Something strong!