Friday, October 07, 2005

An evening (and a morning) with Tori Spelling




Hi everyone,

First off I need to apologize for the delay in finally getting this blog out. We’ve had a bit of real life and rather serious drama around here, which has gotten in the way of the fictional and rather hokey drama we like to write about. But that’s neither here nor there, and the important thing is that “We back!”

Last Friday, Gidg and I got together for dinner. I attempted meat loaf and mac n’ cheese (mac n’ chee in our circles). Both turned out deliciously—the meat loaf was a riff on my mom’s recipe but spicier, with Tabasco and garlic and ground pork along with the ground beef. The mac n’ chee was fabulous—I made a creamy cheese sauce with butter, flour, milk, sharp cheddar, swiss, and parmesan cheese and baked it with a crust of more parmesan and breadcrumbs-mmmmmm!) To accompany our meal, we drank red wine, and then vodkas with pineapple juice. Our evening became a slumber party, and in the morning for breakfast I ended up whipping up some spaghetti with tomatoes and garlic and more parmesan. Yum! And then after noon, we had a few more vodka pineapples as we continued our Tori double feature.

Oh, right, Friday night we attempted a Tori Spelling triple feature that I had recorded off the Lifetime (“Television For Idiots”) Movie Network but only ended up making it half way through the first film before I got my Vodka ADD and started playing VJ, showing clips from half of the films in my video collection. So Saturday morning we continued, managing to finish two films (Gidg saw the third one Alibi on her own and can comment on that one).

Anyway, after all of this background exposition, let’s get to the movies:

Co-Ed Call Girl (1996). In this one Tori plays a college ding-a-ling who just sort of “falls into” being a ‘ho after attending a beach party organized by the head (the late Scott Plank) of an escort service. She quickly befriends a young and not-yet-quite-so-collagen-injected Jeri Ryan (Star Trek: Deep Space 9), who encourages her to join the agency. Tori then goes on a date with a handsome older man, and at the end of the date (just a kiss, no sex) he leaves her a wad of cash. Great deal, huh? Well, quickly she learns that the guys do expect more than just her company, and that the handsome gentleman boss of the agency is really nothing more than a snazzy-dressing pimp. We know he’s really a pimp because he bitch-slaps poor Tori. Their relationship quickly deteriorates when he tries to rape her and then sends her on a “punishment trick” at a seedy motel in Hollywood for a measly $50. She confronts her pimp, demanding to be let out of her employment, and ends up accidentally shooting him. Three times. So the big finale is a courtroom drama with Tori on trial for attempted murder of the pimp, and her triumphant slow-mo march out of the courthouse wearing a slinky red dress and giving one last lascivious look to her pimp while a cheesy sax plays on the soundtrack. Priceless!

The real star of the film is Tori’s hair—middle-period 90210--super-bleached, super coiffed, ready to fall out at any minute—and her increasingly raccoon-like makeup (to let us know that yes, she really is sleeping with men for money). Scenery-chewing kudos to Scott Plank (who I just found out died in a car accident in 2002 at only 43 years of age) as her pimp. When he finds out that she has a boyfriend (Barry Watson) named Jack, he looks at her incredulously and hisses, “Jackkkkkkkk!” with a real emphasis on that hard “k” sound. Also adding a few amusing moments is Susan Blakely as Tori’s hard-working single mom (who has amazingly defined cheekbones and taut skin for a woman of her age). When she finally figures out Tori’s been supplementing her meager earnings at her mom’s bakery with an unsavory sideline, she says, “You…You’re…a….prostitute!” with gratuitous, totally unrealistic pauses for dramatic effect.

Unfortunately, the second feature, Mother, May I Sleep With Danger? (also 1996—that Tori was busy!), could not live up to neither its title nor the precedent set by Co-ed Call Girl. It’s a standard-issue, obsessive, psychotic boyfriend saga with the hot Ivan Sergei as said psychotic boyfriend and Lisa Banes as the uptight WASP mother, but not much real tension, drama, or overacting. The one highlight is when Tori goes from being a redhead (in a horribly fake K-mart wig) to her usual overbleached, ready-to-fall-out blonde helmet (but with bangs this time) at Ivan’s suggestion. Apparently, he has a definite type he likes to stalk.

Gidg will have to provide details on the third film, Alibi, which she watched later on her own, but she told me that it’s almost as good as Co-ed Call Girl.

In sum:

Co-ed Call Girl gets kudos and an awesome 0% fast forward rating, while Mother, May I Sleep With Danger? is just passable with a 33% rating.

Drinks: Vodka with pineapple juice.

Cheers!