Thursday, July 28, 2005

How Gay Is Nacho Vidal?

Last night at Mondo, I was hanging out with Gidg and her man The Doctor and MondoErek, drinking an extra-large Tecate and shooting the breeze. I picked up "Hot Couples," which was down in the bin with the other porn magazines, and started flipping through it. The big centerfold spread was these four girls in a lockerroom (last time I checked, four girls does not a "hot couple" make). They were each made up to look sort of like a different Spice Girl cheerleader (which is soooo 1997).

In the first pics, they're just alone. Scary is munching Baby, and Posh is getting it on with Sporty in that very porn "I'm just doing it for the paycheck" way, but then when you turn the page, you see a full two-page spread of the girls staring lustily at the Quarterback, who is suddenly in front of them and wears his helmet and pads and little mesh half-shirt but instead of pants, is holding a towel open to reveal his big boner. This quarterback is portrayed by Nacho Vidal of Spain. He is one of Rocco Siffredi's former proteges and now a star in his own right. He produces and directs his own line of videos and has quite a following. But a lot of straight guys I know aren't that into him. Maybe they're jealous of his oversculpted bod or his large uncut penis. Maybe he's a bit too agressive with the girls. Or maybe it's because as macho as the Nacho is, he seems kind of gay.

Not that there's anything wrong with being gay (I'm gay), but I'm not sure that the straight male porn buyers of the world (even the so-called "Metrosexuals") are ready for a gay-seeming porn star. So, what, you ask, makes me say that Nacho is kind of gay? Well, it's all really quite stereotypical, but let's just go through it for fun.

First off, let me start by saying that it's not the videos he does with the trannies. Trannyfuckers are not gay men. Most gay men don't want to fuck trannies. They want to fuck other gay men.

It's also not because he did a "gay" video. From what I understand, he doesn't do anything gay in it. He just does a solo and lets other guys do the fucking. Nacho is merely a smart businessman and understands that he has a large gay following who will pay to watch him naked.

The most obvious but not necessarily most convincing element of what makes Nacho seem gay is his narcissism. He spends sooo much time on pumping iron and waxing and shaving and oiling himself up. You can tell he thinks he's really hot (and I have to kind of agree with him). Of course, one could argue that most modern male porn stars are into their bodies--Rocco, Lee and Evan Stone, Hakan Serbes, etc. , so maybe that argument doesn't hold up too well. Or maybe they're all secretly gay :)

Another thing is the way he makes himself the center of attention. In most modern porn, the guys are essentially living, breathing dildoes. The director wants the viewer to focus on the girl (which is what straight guys want to focus on) and usually instructs the guy to be quiet and just do his job. Of course, there have been exceptions, like John Holmes, and Jamie Gillis, and Ron Jeremy, but they actually hail from the Golden Age of porn when there was more focus on dialogue and personality. If you notice, however, porn thespianism really started to go downhill in the 80's. The models for the New Porn Stud became Marc Wallice (who, incidentally, like his cohort Peter North, got fucked by men in a couple of videos in the early 80's before he went into straight porn) and Tom Byron, who was always hard but hardly present in his scenes. That was the point! In order to complete the fantasy for the male viewers, you need a non-entity, so that the viewer can insert himself into the scene. Tom Byron's hard cock becomes the viewer's hard cock.

Of course, one could argue, "Rocco Siffredi is buff and has a personality and makes himself the center of the scene, do you think he's gay too?" And I would have to answer, regrettably, "No, I don't think he is." I mean, he might have fooled around with a guy here or there just to try it out since he seems rather adventuresome, but I don't think he's gay the way Nacho is. And my reasoning boils down to my final two points.

1st off: Nacho doesn't really love the ladies. When Rocco is laying into a girl, even when he's being rough, you can tell that he is all about the woman at that moment. He looks her in the eye intensely, he kisses her, he caresses her. He tells her how fucking' good she feels. He smiles and laughs and says "Oh my God!" with his great Italian accent. Nacho, by contrast, is almost trying to kill the woman (or in the case of John Stagliano's Face Dance Obsession get killed by suffocating on the woman's ass cheeks) . He looks very intently at her as he pounds away, but to my eye, he's not actually looking at her. He's looking through her. He is looking at his own reflection in her eyes for proof that he is the roughest, toughest stud around. The woman becomes a mirror and a receptacle.

But even if we say that Nacho is a narcissist and a bit of a misogynist, that doesn't necessarily mean he's gay, right? Sure. I mean a lot of porn performers don't really care about their partners all that much. They're in porn to stroke their own egos, make some cash, and get off. So even that in itself isn't enough to suggest that he's gay on its own.

The key piece of evidence to support the "Nacho might be kind of gay" theory lies in the aforementioned Face Dance Obsession, from which the still above was taken. In that film, he has several scenes with Hakan Serbes. Hakan is a gorgeous Turkish-German stud who started in porn in the 90s, most notably playing Anthony in Joe D'Amato's costume sudser Anthony and Cleopatra and Hercules in the film of the same name. After D'Amato, Hakan became affiliated with John Stagliano and Rocco and did films alongside Nacho.

Face Dance Obsession is essentially a series of vignettes where guys let women with nice curvy posteriors sit on their faces almost to the point of passing out. In the final scene of the film, Hakan and Nacho have a three-way with the very hot Daniella Rush. It's a very hot scene, but what is striking is the connection between Nacho and Hakan. They smile at each other, they gaze at each other as Daniella blows them both, their legs intertwined and their cocks rubbing together. Nacho looks on at dick-level as Daniella blows Hakan. He looks like he'd like a taste too. They both take Daniella from behind at the same time--I've never seen a DP done in this position because it requires the two men to actually touch. As they plow away, Nacho supports himself by grabbing Hakan's hips and his lower back, and Hakan's butt repeatedly bumps against Nacho's stomach. Finally, Hakan realizes how gay this is and says something like "Man, don' t you try to fuck me in the ass!" and then they laugh and high five. At the end of the scene, they each cum on Daniella's face and then gaze, smiling and spent, into each other's eyes once more. I was expecting them to kiss. But, then again, I watch too much gay porn. These guys have some major chemistry, and it's hard to deny it. But I suggest you go out and rent it and decide for yourself.

Shameless Self-Promotion!

Billy and Gidg at Mondo Video last night.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Savage Beach and Bikini Summer 2

Hot Tub
The girls of Savage Beach enjoy the jacuzzi after a hard day of taking their clothes off.


It was like a month ago or more that we sat down on a weeknight and checked out these winners.

Savage Beach is by Andy Sidaris, famous for packing his casts full to overflowing with ex-Playboy Playmates. His movies are nominally action/adventure movies about two secret agents, Donna (Dona "one N" Speir) and Taryn (Hope Marie Carlton), who run around trying to muck up the plans of some bad guy/druglord/kingpin/terrorist, etc. I don't remember that much about this movie except that they get naked a lot for no good reason. Like, they're in a storm and get soaked to the bone, and then they take off in a plane, and WHILE THEY'RE FLYING they decide to strip out of their wet clothes. Right!

We fast-forwarded through about fifty-percent of the thing-mostly the last half. There was a hot ex-Playgirl Man of the Year in it for like the first twenty minutes, and we get to see a nice shot of his butt as he gets out of a pool naked. He also walks around for about ten minutes in an unzipped jumpsuit, showing off his rippling 80s waxed torso. That was fun! But then he disappears almost completely from the movie until the very end. And at that point, he keeps his clothes on. I guess the target audience for these movies isn't women or gay men, but at least Andy throws us a bone (well, not the bone).

Also, for those who care about such things, the movie features former Playmate-turned-hardcore porn star, Teri Weigel, as a villainness. Her acting is about as bad as that of the rest of the cast, but her simulated sex abilities demonstrate that she made a good career decision going into the adult industry.


The second half of our double feature was Bikini Summer 2. We didn't bother with Bikini Summer 1 because it didn't feature Jeff "Kenicki" Conaway (who also wrote and directed the thing! Talk about an auteur!) .

It's the simple story of a pair of rich sisters from Beverly Hills who like to go to the beach in tiny bikinis. They meet a homeless couple (the rather homely wife is actually played by Jeff Conaway's sister Michele in a role that did wonders for her career, considering that she never worked again) and decide to take them in. In the first half hour of the movie we get a lot of gratiuitous female T&A (and a few buff guys in speedos and swim trunks) and we also get Jessica Hahn as the girls' stepmom, who spends the whole film in lingerie in bed watching a shopping channel that features (natch!) Jeff Conaway as the lascivious host who loves to fondle his scantily clad co-hostess! We also see that the girls' dad is a cad who likes sessions with a blonde dominatrix. This dominatrix also happens to be some sort of DA, and I could tell you more about the plot if we hadn't fast-forwarded through most of the rest of the movie, pausing occasionally for the "homeless makeover" scene, and the big party scene when the girls open up a nightclub and they let the homeless guy (who is also an over-the-hill singer-songwriter) perform some truly excruciating ballads. But if you've had a few drinks, this movie is also about fifty percent watchable in a bad-good kind of way. The other fifty percent is just bad.

Fast forwarding for both films: 50%
Drinks: Something strong!

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Pam Grier as Jackie Brown

Pam Grier Photo


Sorry it's been so long since I've posted--no really good excuses except for actually having a lot to do at work and my sister's wedding back home and 4th of July weekend. Well, I guess those are decent excuses.

Anyway, this is just the first of several posts about Pam Grier because the woman is awesome, and it's impossible to sum up her oeuvre in just one post about one movie. And because I've got more shit to do at work today I need to keep this short and sweet: Watch Jackie Brown. Go out and rent or buy it today. You won't regret it.

The opening title sequence alone is enough reason to spend a few bucks on a rental. It's the ever-so-fine Pam Grier standing on a people mover at LAX as the soul classic "Across 110th Street" plays on the soundtrack. Then in the next shot she's walking. Then after that she's walking very fast. Then faster, and finally breaking into a jog she arrives at her destination--the gate where her flight is about to take off. Tarantino is brilliant in upping the momentum of the scene simply by making Pam move faster and faster. And she has a very glamourous jog, I must say.

Another great reason to watch is for the quiet moments between Pam and Robert Forster, as a bail bondsman who falls instantly in love with her and agrees to help her out in a scheme to save her ass from prison and from Samuel Jackson, who is the sinister small potatoes arms dealer, for whom she's been running money between Mexico and the US. Robert Forster and Pam both have this world weary thing going on, but the feelings seem real between them, and that gives the movie a sweetness that balances out the harsher scenes. I really like when he comes to bail her out of jail, and as he sees her walking up to the prison gate, even though she looks a bit disheveled and her hair is a bit nappy, we know he's falling in love with her as "Didn't I Blow Your Mind" by the Delfonics plays on the soundtrack. Lurvely...

Everyone says how this is Tarantino's most mature work, and I think they're right. He cast some real pros (also must mention De Niro and Bridget Fonda as Jackson's bickering accomplices), and they totaly pull through for him in the end.

Fast Forward Rating: 0%

Suggested drinks: maybe some whiskey on the rocks, and a full bong for anytime that Bridget Fonda is onscreen.



Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Coming Soon!

Billy and I deeply apologize for the lackadasical updatery that's been going on here. We've both been busy with work. Or incapacitated by champagne cocktails. Either way.

But! We each have a piece we'll be posting in the near future.

Billy's going to write about the beauteous, bounteous Queen of Blaxpoitation and Beyond, Pam Grier (he is luuuurving her right now.)
Films likely to be discussed:

  • Friday Foster
  • Foxy Brown
  • Jackie Brown
  • The Arena
  • Women In Cages
Films unlikely to be discussed: The Adventures of Pluto Nash. I'm still reeling from that one. And I wouldn't even inflict that "movie" on my worst enemy, let alone poor Billy.


Me, I'm a masochist. I'm planning a Retrospecticus on the man, the myth, the drunken train wreck: Richard Burton.
Films that will be discussed:
  • Candy
  • BOOM!
  • The Exorcist II
  • Staircase (Dick and Rex "Sexy Rexy" Harrison as gay lovers - no joke)
  • Circle of Two (Dick and Tatum O'Neal as lovers - again, no joke)
Films unlikely to be discussed: I don't know if we can sit through Cleopatra without our livers jumping ship mid-movie. Perhaps with liberal fast-forwarding.
The Dr. and I couldn't even get far enough in The Klansman to get to Dick's part, so I don't think that'll make the list.
Also, I may or may not talk about the occasions when Dick is good - such as Night Of The Iguana and Who's Afraid Of Virginia Woolf? - but we'll see how charitable I'm feeling after suffering through the above dreck.



Prepare yourself.